Send A Gassy Greeting With Fart By Mail

Hate someone so bad you’re willing to spend money sending them a booty burp in the mail? You have problems! But you’re also in luck, so congratulations, and let me introduce you to Fart By Mail. It’s a mail-order service that sends a smelly-ass greeting card complete with a fart sound. Wheeeeeee!

Before we run out and buy one for everyone we hate, a few quick questions: First, how do they trap those nasty gases? Second, and more importantly, why? Third, I don’t wanna live on this planet anymore. I realize that’s not actually a question, but… does it even matter? Just put me out of my misery already!

No, Nobody Bottled a Real Fart

Turns out, nobody was actually trapping real farts in envelopes. When Fart By Mail launched in late 2012, the company used a manufactured stink instead. The card carried a personalized message, a terrible smell, and a fart sound, sealed inside a clear plastic envelope. The price back then? $8.99. Because apparently that was a perfectly reasonable amount to spend ruining somebody’s mail day.

And these people put some thought into it. The card was glossy, the sound reportedly lasted 10 seconds, and you could choose between a regular delivery with a warning from “Dr. Stink” or a stealth version that gave the recipient no heads-up. Imagine checking the mailbox, expecting a birthday card, and instead getting a tiny audio-olfactory attack. What a beautiful use of human ingenuity.

The prank even made it onto Laughing Squid in 2012. Thankfully, looking at Fart By Mail online will not make your screen stink. Yet.

The business joke lasted longer than you might expect. Brothers Zach and Josh, who ran Fart By Mail, say they mailed their fragrant greetings for about a decade, reaching all 50 U.S. states and 93 countries. They also say most cards went to friends and family, not sworn enemies. Aw, that’s almost sweet. Almost.

Fart By Mail has since paused taking orders because its founders moved on to other demands on their time. Its website is still online, with a look back at the business and its famously unfortunate products. So, no, you can’t currently order one through the original service. But somewhere out there, somebody still remembers opening an envelope and instantly regretting it. What a time to be alive.