Picnic Pants Turn Your Lap Into a Portable Table

These are Picnic Pants by Italian design group Acquacalda. When sitting cross-legged, the… uh, floaty part in the middle? Crotch panel? Gray skirt-ish area? Whatever you wanna call it, the thing stretches taut, providing a little table to eat from. The jeans are also equipped with pockets to hold drinks. Finally, PANTS THAT FEED YOU! Well, sort of.

Look, I’m all for practicality (as in, I own a Shirt Plate), but damn! This is dorky as all hell. I just imagine MC Hammer is looking at these same pants and thoroughly regretting not coming up with the concept first. CAN’T TOUCH THIS! Mostly because my lunch is sitting on my crotch.

Picnic Pants Have a Built-In Table and Drink Holder

Acquacalda’s Pic Nic Pants were making the rounds online back in 2012, offering a solution to that age-old problem of wanting to eat outside without dragging around an actual picnic table. Because apparently carrying a plate is just TOO MUCH WORK.

The design features a triangular section of fabric between the legs that hangs loosely when you’re standing. Sit down cross-legged, though, and the material stretches into a flat surface where you can rest a plate of food. There’s even an adjustable pocket along the leg to hold your drink upright. TWO HANDS FREE! What a time to be alive.

Of course, this raises some important questions. What happens when you need to stand up? Do you have to finish your entire lunch first? What if somebody bumps into you? And how long before you spill spaghetti sauce directly into your lap? These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night, people.

The Picnic Pants were an experimental design rather than a confirmed mass-market fashion sensation. Which is probably for the best. I’m not sure the world was ready for people wandering around in giant baggy jeans that transform into lunch trays.

Still, you gotta appreciate the ingenuity. Somebody looked at a pair of MC Hammer pants and thought, “You know what these need? MORE FUNCTIONALITY.” And suddenly, lunch on your lap became a fashion statement.

Now somebody invent a matching shirt that dispenses napkins and a hat with a built-in condiment holder. I’ll look like a complete idiot, but at least I’ll never have to carry a picnic basket again. PRIORITIES!