They say life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, but that’s because they’re all sold separately. How did any of us survive before how-to books? There are instructions for everything these days… even stuff you didn’t think you needed instructions for. Here are 14 of the weirdest how-to books and guides ever written.

How To Traumatize Your Children

Most of us probably don’t need a book—we can just do exactly what our own parents did. $12

Toilet Yoga

…or you can try to get more fiber in your diet. $12

Get Fit In Bed

How to exercise if you’re extremely lazy. $20

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Maybe the author should have read “How to Hello English.” And yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s malarky. $15

Pornogami

I swear, it’s not what it looks like! It’s an origami shiitake mushroom. $10

How To Poo At Work

Because doing your business at your place of business is serious business. $11

Drink As Much As You Want And Live Longer

Best guide book ever. $15

Crafting With Cat Hair

For people rich in cat fur and poor in judgement about socially acceptable hobbies. $10

Do-It-Yourself Coffins: For Pets And People

The product description says, “Here’s one project you won’t want to put off ‘til tomorrow.” Because, you know, the bodies start to smell after a few days. $13

How To Fake A Back Exam

Just don’t bring this to read in the waiting room or you’ll blow your cover. Link

How To Shit In The Woods

Laugh all you want, but some of us had to learn the hard way to make sure we weren’t wiping with poison ivy. $4

The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Brings a whole new meaning to the term “dead sexy.” $11

How To Survive a Robot Uprising

While this is totally legit and something you should know, they already covered it in episode 2 of the In Case of Emergency podcast. $6

Make Your Own Sexy Toys

Actually don’t. (But if you do, don’t buy the book used.) $11