In many ways the standards of kids products have improved dramatically over the decades (sometimes it’s hard to believe that lawn darts were a thing). But even though we’re more (or less) on the ball these days when it comes to safety, we’ve kind of let things slide in terms of tact. Kids toys, clothing and accessories today range from ridiculous to completely inappropriate. In many cases the lines become blurred between real products and spoofs—and sometimes the real products are even more absurd than the spoofs. Check out these inappropriate kids products (some of which are not actually for kids) and see if you can spot the difference.

My First Dictionary

Expand vocabularies and corrupt minds at the same time with this vulgar not-really-for-kids dictionary. My First Dictionary contains hilariously inappropriate definitions and examples like “Evidence is something that gets you in trouble. Jim has burned the evidence.” Source

Roadkill Toys

Stop encouraging your kids NOT to play with dead animals they find on the side of the road and let them play with a rotting raccoon. Each Roadkill plush comes with a death certificate and presumably a bright future as a sociopath. Constantly adding to their death toll, Roadkill toys frequently rolls out new victims like Twitch the Raccoon, Grind the Rabbit and Pop the Weasel. Check it Out

Avenging Narwhal Playset

Who said narwhals aren’t cute? They are so cute! Okay, narwhals are kind of funny looking, what with that giant horn growing out of their faces. But maybe people would appreciate them more if there weren’t so many other cute animals to love… like baby seals, and penguins, and koalas. The Avenging Narwhal Playset is not a toy for kids who love cuddly things—it’s more of a toy for kids who love impaling. In fact, you should probably keep it away from any kid that you hope will grow into a normal adult that’s not addicted to reddit. Check it Out

Pat the Zombie

Even Pat the Bunny isn’t safe from a zombie outbreak. He’s not quite as cuddly these days, what with all the brain eating. Pat the Zombie, subtitled “a cruel adult spoof” replaces the sweet storybook of the past with haunting nightmares and wet underpants (meaning you better make sure to read it to someone else’s kids so you don’t have to deal with the aftermath). Check it Out Source

Growing Up Skipper

Puberty is a sensitive subject that parents needs to discuss seriously with their children in order to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their body. But if you’re not comfortable with that you could just hand them a Growing Up Skipper doll that magically sprouts breasts when you rotate her arm and let them figure it out for themselves. Check out this video to see how it works. Source

High Times Activity Book

The High Times Activity Book is obviously not intended for children… unless of course those children have already read It’s Just a Plant, the informative children’s book about Marijuana. Actually on second thought, kids would probably have a much easier time completing the book than the intended audience. Check it Out Source

Giant Plush Microbes

The most inappropriate thing I could think of giving a child? Gonorrhea. Yet that’s exactly what my well-intentioned, but air-headed cousin gave to my niece for her 4th birthday. True story. Apparently when she saw the gonorrhea giant microbe plush she fell in love with its big blue eyes and completely missed the fact that it was a stuffed STD. Chicken pox or malaria would have been much easier to explain… Check it Out

Baby Pimp Costume

Here’s a classy idea for a mommy/baby Halloween costume: put on your sluttiest outfit and dress your baby in a pimp costume. Just don’t show the pictures to Grandma. Source

B*tch Bandaids

Usually only kids can get away with using graphic bandaids. (Somehow a grown man with a batman bandaid wrapped around his finger seems a little creepy, rather than cute.) That’s why it’s a bit strange to see bright colored bandaids that aren’t intended for kids… but hey man, shit happens and a bandaid covered in obscenities is still better than letting a boo-boo get infected right? On second thought, if these are the only bandaids you have in the house you’re probably not the most attentive parent. Check it Out

Baby Nipple Tassel T-Shirt

Doesn’t it seem like girls are dressing more provocatively younger and younger these days? Sure, you don’t want your daughter to get left behind when it comes to fashion, but we insist that you draw the line at nipple tassels for babies. Source

I’m a Tits Man Baby Shirt

Speaking of babies and nipples… check out these baby shirts by Australian clothing company, Cotton On Kids. The t-shirts feature phrases like “I’m a tits man”, “The condom broke”, and “I’m living proof my mum is easy.” Can you blame the kid for being honest? No, but you can blame the parents for being tacky morons. Source

Poll Dance Toy

To be fair, the damage may have already been done by the baby nipple tassels. However if you want to be absolutely sure that your daughter grows up knowing her way around a pole, you’ll have to get her this. Unlike a lot of products we’ve seen so far, this really was intended for kids. We know, WTF, right? Source

Happy Tree Friends Dolls

Parents, don’t let the name fool you. Happy Tree Friends may look completely innocent, but they’re actually much more violent than the video games Fox News has you so scared of. Google it. Or better yet, just trust us, ok? Check it Out

Make Your Own Zombie Kit

Not only does the Make Your Own Zombie Kit give your kids something constructive to do at home, but it gives them plenty to talk about in their weekly therapy session as well. Source

O-No Sushi Dolls

In the same spirit as Roadkill toys, O-No sushi dolls somehow manage to make death adorable. While cute and clever in their own way, these vinyl figures seem likely to turn your kids off of sushi and squid for life, which sucks because it’s hard enough to get them to try new food as it is. Check it Out

Related Categories: Kids