There are some faux fatties out there getting all excited about this Ketchup Fountain. That’s cute, but amateur hour is over now. Why don’t you grab your Diet Cokes and hit the road ’cause the big (fatty fat fat fats fat-ass fatties) dogs are coming through. C’mon now, I keep vats the size of your apartment full of not just ketchup, but mayo, ranch dressing and nacho f***ing cheese. Each is kept at the appropriate serving temperature at all times in case hunger strikes. Which it does — CONSTANTLY. It never ceases. I scoff at this recent trend of skinnies acting like they know how to get their eat on. Oh, you had a few strips of bacon on your cheeseburger? I eat the whole damn pig single-handedly. The other hand I use to plow biscuits and gravy down my throat and I wash it all down with Kool-Aid made with so much sugar it’s more solid than liquid.

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