Go ahead and file this one under Things That Should Not Exist. This is a figure of Miley Cyrus’ body with Albert Einstein’s head. Of course [whatever the F this is] is twerking a la the infamous VMA performance. If you hate yourself enough, you can have one of your very own for just $30. But seriously, the twerking thing — can we please just let it die? Nevermind, clearly we can’t. I don’t know why I asked. Sometimes I don’t think before I speak. My boyfriend says I need to practice doing that. Like, when I announce to the bar “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, SEE? HAHA! AND YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!” he’s all “Please don’t do that.” That guy! He’s a riot. A riot who hasn’t returned my calls for a few days. I’m getting worried! Like, what if something happened to him? Car accident? A bad slip in the shower? Tied up on the train tracks by an evil villain? You’re right, I should probably go to his place right now to check on him ASAP. I’m coming for you, boo!